The importance of boundaries

Toddlers love structure and predictability! They thrive when they have a clear understanding of the rules and consequences.

Here’s a funny quote about toddlers: “They are like little night watchmen. They go around checking all of the doors, but they don’t really want to find any of them open.” 

That is exactly what toddlers are like! They check the doors, they test boundaries, they push, right? And they just do this in little, subtle ways at first, but it’s kind of everywhere around sleep, around play time, around interaction with other kids, around food, this is what they’re doing. They’re testing all of the doors. As parents, it can be hard to tell because we’re often tired or distracted.

It just takes a little crack of the door because they can now see that, oh, that door opened a crack and I’m going to keep pushing at that door and see how far this door will open if I keep pushing on it. This tends to show up the most at bedtime. 

But here’s what might happen. Let’s say you’ve been doing two stories at bedtime. And tonight out of the blue, they ask for three and you think, you’re kind of tired, you don’t feel like having a fight about it. You go, “Okay, we’ll have a third one.” Maybe those two were short. So you think, oh, why not? Let’s have a third. Well, guess what? The door just opened a crack!

Now, the next night they are asking for another story. And if you say, “No, we only read two stories,” well, that’s not true ’cause last night you read three. So they might have a little fit around the fact that you now won’t let them have a third story. But they might ask for it in a different way. “Well, I’d like to bring another stuffed animal to bed with me tonight.” And you go, “Okay, whatever. Go for it, bring another stuffed animal.” Oops, door just opened a little bit more. Now they are going to try for something new. “Oh, well, what if we leave the door open tonight?” Or, “how about we leave the light on?” Or, “how about I have more water?” Or, “how about I go see what dad’s up to?” And they will just gonna keep pushing and pushing and pushing until, you know, your bedtime routine is taking an hour and a half!

How did we get here?!

I want you to keep that in mind when you’re dealing with a toddler, that they’re very black and white.

There is not a lot of room for gray. It is important to make sure that your rules, especially around bedtime, stay firm and consistent. That there’s never, doesn’t matter if you don’t think it’s a big deal, or you think to yourself, you know, oh, well—whatever, go ahead, right?

You need to make sure that you go back to if the door’s open this much, it’s only ever always open this much, never more, never less. It’s only two stories every night. These are the rules that have to stay the same because then when they test, they’ll realize, oh, the door’s still locked, and they will go back to cooperating well in your bedtime routine.

If you’re struggling with your toddler’s bedtime routine, let’s sort out how you can take back the control. Book your free call today!